Have you ever done a really good job at something, and then, not long after, “heard” a rather harsh, critical voice in your head, attacking what you’ve done?

Last week I saw a post on FaceBook from Lissa Rankin, an MD who practiced as an OB/GYN physician for eight years, then left clinical medicine in 2010 to follow her dream to heal health care. Here’s what she said, “Just got off the TEDxFargo stage, and my inner critics just attacked me backstage. As my friend SARK would say, “Quick! Officer! Arrest them before they get away with this.”

I was very moved to read that someone who was respected enough to give a TED talk could still experience being hard on herself. In fact, later in the post, she asked, “Why are we so hard on ourselves, when we’re all just doing the best we can?”

I have thought a lot about that question. I even wrote a play about it, called Zelda and the Frozen Kisses. (Zelda is what I call my Inner Critic.) What I’ve decided, after years of my experiencing my Inner Critic’s beating me up for even minor infractions, is that she is like a scared little girl who’s decided to handle her fears by becoming a bully. The more scared she is, the harsher she gets, “yelling” things that are hurtful and demeaning to me.

My great-granddaughter Aryana helps me stay in touch with the LIttle Girl inside me!

So what’s an alternative to “arresting” her? Or telling her to “shut up, already!”

According to an article on Boston Children’s Hospital website, one way to prevent bullying is that “parents should strive to create an atmosphere of tolerance, respect and compassion at home.”

Here’s my suggestion: What if we decided that we are going to create an atmosphere of tolerance, respect and compassion towards our Inner Critic? What would that look like? When she starts in on us, we could decide to give her some loving attention. (And if we can’t quite do that for ourselves, we could ask a kind friend to help us.) We could say something like, “Look, I know I did a good job; I did the best I could. Why are you attacking me like this? What are you afraid of?

Once when I asked Zelda why she was being so mean to me, she said, “If I don’t keep on top of you, you won’t do what you need to do and we’ll lose everything.” (No, I don’t have a split personality; I just use this tool to get at some feelings that are underneath the first words!) So I said back, “Your scared! No wonder you’re yelling at me. I promise, I’m all grown up and I can take care of us. You don’t have to worry so much.”  We both felt better!

So the next time you get attacked by your Inner Critic, take a moment to “have a chat with her,” and see what you can learn about yourself and your own fears. You’ll be amazed!

Hi, everyone!

This is a very exciting time. After a year of soul- searching, and reviewing all the ways I’ve tried to become a business (who remembers Free 2 Do It!),  I’ve figured out the best way that I can be of service to the business and professional  women who mean so much to me. I can help those of you who get nervous when you have to speak in public to overcome your fear, and get confident and comfortable about delivering your message, so you can Speak Out effectively whenever you want your voice to be heard. That’s why I call my new system Speak Out, Girlfriend!

In a few days, my web re-design will be complete, and my first blog/e-zine will be ready to send out to you. From then on, I hope to be a resource you can turn to whenever you need support to Show Up and Speak  Out – in every situation – from introducing yourself to a networking group, to presenting your signature talk about your area of expertise.

I’ll also let you know when I’m performing; I’d love to see you in the audience! Thanks to David Stuck from the Baltimore Jewish Times for this photo of me in a performance of The Bessie Bluefeld Story.

You’ll be hearing from me very soon, Until then,

Blessings,

Terry

What do I want to do today?  Who would have thought that can be a scary question, when I don’t have a whole list of  “to do’s” (or as dear Michelle James calls them, Ta Da’s!”) to choose from!

I have been so blessed by the sale of my house! And by needing to wait for my new home to become available. I left Monday, after a sweet visit with Mom at her nursing home – and I feel so free! And yet….

I’m staying with a dear friend near Philly, and we’re going to do some work together on Friday. But during the day, I’m on my own, and while it’s delicious to think, “I can do whatever I want today!” I’m noticing that I’m also feeling just a little bit uncomfortable. In my own skin. A little jittery. A little buzzy across my back and shoulders. I’m just with me…no distractions unless I choose one. I guess I’ll find out what kind of company I really am to be with! And I think one of my teachers will be her sweet dog, Misty!

Wow! Now I’m really wondering about that 8 day Silent Retreat I signed up for at the end of April!

Blessings, terry

Can’t believe I’m moving out in two days! Got a couple of miracles to report:

I gave my first webinar yesterday for Train HR and it went very well – and I really enjoyed doing it. I’m committed to sharing my Making it Easier™ approach to skill building – which includes gaining personal insight and using empowerment tools before learning the skills, and people are responding very positively!  And here’s the miracle: I was supposed to do a new webinar on March 6, one that I hadn’t completed writing yet (that was going to be yesterday’s task, instead of packing) and I was able to get it postponed until April 3!  What a relief!  I was a little nervous about asking (will they think I’m not “professional” enough?) but no one had signed up yet (it takes time to market a new webinar) so they were fine with it. And I still have one scheduled for March 20, with plenty of time to write that one!  Moral: ask for what you need!

Second miracle: this is one of ease of solution. My daughter borrowed my car (the one I’m going to be living out of for the next 6 weeks!) and the windshield got hit with a small rock – leaving one of those pin holes that grow if you don’t attend to them. Well it turns out I have a collision place right down the street from me, and he was able to take the car this morning, (while my daughter and I both don’t need it) and for quite a nominal fee, it will be repaired by noon. In the old days, (like last winter!) I would have been fretting, Why did this happen just when I have all this other work and packing to do? Or even worse, What is wrong with my vibration that I’m attracting this bad thing into my life? This time, I was able to apply some of the new lessons: Stuff happens. I can choose how to respond. What good can come from this situation? E.g. I got in a beautiful extra walk this morning before my DC Chamber workshop, and the repair man is going to put my new registration on the wind shield for me, a task I struggle with every year! Moral: life is so much more enjoyable if I can “go with the flow.” At least most of the time!! And if I don’t beat myself up when I can’t. Blessings dear ones.

If I had a fireplace, my collection of self help books could heat my home for a year! How to get organized, how to lose weight, how to swim with the sharks, how to dress like a fox, how to eat fat free, carb free, practically food free!

But here’s the thing. They all told me “how to do it.” But not one of them told me how to GET myself to do it. So I’d try for a while, and then fall back into old, familiar patterns, including the most deeply entrenched one,  “What’s wrong with me?” Especially when I read on Facebook how my friend Sally had just finished her 33 day cleansing fast and has bought an entire new wardrobe four sizes smaller! (forgive the slight exaggeration!)

So what’s the alternative? I’ve explored this question for many years as I recovered from my experiences as the oldest daughter in an alcoholic family. I’ve learned that when we try to build new skills or habits without a deeply authentic, personal foundation, they usually don’t “stay up” for long. And that’s why we get stuck, and feel like failures, sometimes over and over.

How do we get that deeply authentic, personal foundation? One way that’s been working for me is to get to what I call the the “positive why” of anything I’m trying to accomplish. Here’s an example: For years, I’ve been battling my weight. I’ve lost up to 50 pounds at least 20 times, only to gain it all back and more. I’ve started diet programs and exercise programs that last for a while, and then I drop them, only to feel discouraged.

Why was I doing that? Because I judged myself as “unattractive” and “unhealthy.” But these were “negative why’s,” or judgements against myself, and none of them was strong enough to balance the entrenched habits since my early childhood of using food for comfort, and feeling like a dork when it came to exercise.

Then in the past few years, as I’ve moved way past the half-century mark, I’ve begun to feel some deeper desires: I want to remain strong and flexible till I die. I want to be able to play with my great grandbabies. I  want to be able to dance till the wee hours. I want to be able to enjoy a fully intimate life with my partner. These are “positive why’s” and they are much more powerful motivators than any negative judgements I’ve held against myself. So, slowly, I’m changing the way I eat, and I’ve actually found an exercise program that I really enjoy! And while I’m working out, I say to myself, over and over, I love you dear body, and I’m so happy that we are getting better!

So here’s my suggestion for your New Year’s Resolutions. Before you commit yourself to any specific outcome, take some personal, quiet time and reflect on questions such as:

What judgements am I passing on myself? Are there any “positive why’s” behind these judgements?
What do I really care about?
What is most important to me?
What brings me great joy, especially that I’m not yet experiencing?
What am I currently doing that is draining me?
How can I feed my deepest self more fully?
and my all-time favorite, which comes from many Wisdom Teachers over the ages, What would I do if I weren’t afraid?

Blessings and many moments of joy to you and yours this holiday season and in 2012!

Recently I responded to a Facebook post from a friend who was asking to build her trust even when it felt like she was doing her best but her efforts were not enough. Here’s what came to me. I’d love to know what you think!

It’s taken me a while to get (and re-get and re-get!) that, while I will always do the best I can,  my efforts alone don’t HAVE to be enough because they are not the sole Source of my results. They can be one of the ways for results to manifest – but only one- The Universe is so much larger and more bountiful than my small self. And the Grace is in realizing that my Large/Real self IS part of Source – in fact it is how Source shows up in our world.

I’m not a religious person. But I do find great comfort in the various Wisdom Traditions. In the Old Testament, Psalm 40 urges,  “Be Still and know that I am God.”  I’ve come to realize that this is not an ad for God – it’s a message from the Psalmist to himself – and to us!  In our deepest, truest selves, we are God/Source (or whatever word we are comfortable using to mean “bigger than what we can see) – and therefore have access to ALL THAT IS. I choose to align myself with folks who believe that (Tolle, Dali Lama, Ponder, Butterworth and so many more) and I’m coming to believe it too.  It makes “doing my best”  and facing disappointments a little bit easier – and every success a little bit sweeter.

What do you think?

love and blessings from Terry

Greetings dear ones,

I sat in PopEye’s for lunch this past Saturday, after coaching the kids at Zoe Ministries Gospel Kids Theater Group and before visiting my mom, because I didn’t have enough for the salad bar at Golden Corral where I usually go. I was sinking pretty deeply into financial worries because I didn’t know where the money for September’s bills was coming from.  By the grace of early Social Security and my tenant/housemate, I could pay the mortgage. But my speaking business is not yet generating what I need for everything else. As a creative person who has for years tried to balance following my heart and paying my bills, I was feeling sorry for me and not a little scared.

Then I watched a tall, thin young man come in with three little children, and I observed as he completed his purchase, and walked out with a very small bag of food, three eager little ones following him.  Did they have enough? Could he pay their bills? I thought about my sense of my purpose for being on this planet – to help folks, especially working families, find spiritual alternatives to all the stuff that’s not working very well for us. For twenty years, I’ve been studying spiritual principles of abundant living and healing, starting with Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich. I felt some shame and doubt: what do I have to offer in the way of wisdom, hope and practical advice, if I can’t handle my own fears when things get tight? Ah shame! I sort of know not to allow shame to take over, but sometimes it’s just hard.

I’m working to grow my speaking/performing business, based on my deep conviction that I’m here on this planet to help others by sharing what I learn about who we really are and what it means to live a spiritually based abundant life.  I believe with all my heart I believe with all my heart, in my “heart part,” that we are beloved children of the universe, and that the promise, ask and you shall receive, is a real one. I’ve already been through losing my part-time job due to funding cuts, facing foreclosure and working successfully to get a loan modification. I had hought, that’s all behind me. I thanked the Universe for Unemployment, wrote two more plays, had one selected out of over 300 for a festival of new plays, hired a business coach and a creativity coach, even worked a few gigs in the spring, and applied for jobs. I was on my way!

Then Summer came, and with it several family crises that called for my help. And I was exhausted. My creativity coach explained that after a large period of expansion, it’s necessary to contract, pull in, rest and restore. So I did that to some extent. And then Unemployment ended, no job applications bore fruit, and I had done little to generate more speaking gigs. Fear, shame, guilt. I shoulda, woulda, coulda. Now the rest of me, the “not heart part” was having a bit of a challenge with the asking and with the receiving!

My minister, sensing my struggles, handed me Edwene Gaines, Four Spiritual Principles of Prosperity. I read it in two gulps, resonating with this amazing woman who went from penniless to powerful by applying four spiritual principles: tithing, forgiveness, goal setting, and finding ones’ purpose. I loved her story and was determined to follow in her footsteps. So I immediately began tithing, and working on the other three principles.

And that’s where the shame came in! How can I be in this situation if I’m practicing the spiritual principles? I must be doing it wrong. Even when I try to do it right. I must be blocking my good. etc. etc. etc. Well after much good spiritual coaching, and not a few miracles in the past 48 hours, I’ve decided that my most important work is to learn not only about tithing and serving, but about allowing and receiving, WITHOUT SHAME AND GUILT. And it’s ok for me to teach while I’m learning. I don’t have to have it all down perfectly in order to be of service! So I’m dedicating this space to sharing what I’m learning in the hopes that it will make a difference for those of you out there who recognize yourselves in my experiences.

Let’s go on this journey of discovery together! I look forward to your comments.

Much love and blessing, Terry

Do you feel nervous when you have to make a presentation or speech – whether to an audience of one or of many? In working with my presentation coaching clients, I’ve come up with seven steps to help you get more comfortable and actually transform your fear into the great energy needed for a fabulous presentation. Read on for Step One!

Step One: Be your authentic self.

Did you see the Saturday Night Live spoof of the Tax Masters commercial?  I had seen the actual commercial – the stiff-as-a-board spokesman “Patrick,” eyes scanning his prompter, standing sideways so we could only see his profile, with not even a hint of a smile – it was almost too easy to make fun of him. But I don’t think SNL realized that their spoof offered a perfect lesson on the first step to making a great presentation: “Find your own voice – be your authentic self.”

As part of the spoof, the spokesperson “Patrick” got upset that his director was making him stand so rigidly in profile. “I know why you want me to stand this way; you don’t want anyone to see my half-formed twin brother coming out the side of my head.” So he persuades the director to do another take, and the audience howls as Patrick turns and introduces his “little brother Daniel.” At the end of the retake, during which he seemed much more relaxed, Patrick says, “That felt really good!”

So what does this have to do with Step One – Find your own voice; be your authentic self? Probably none of us has a “half-formed twin brother” coming out of the side of our head. And maybe there are a few of you out there who are completely comfortable with who you are. But most of us have at least a few things about ourselves that we don’t want others to see – “flaws” that we’re ashamed of, or embarrassed about.

At first it seems to make sense to hide our flaws. The problem is that it takes energy to keep them hidden. And by doing so, we are blocking access to that most valuable asset – our authentic, true selves. That’s why, when we are holding back, we seem cautious and a bit stiff, or maybe even arrogant and pompous.

Now I’m not suggesting that we stand up in the middle of a business presentation and reveal all our flaws. That would be just as counter-productive as presenting a stiff perfectionism. But there is a middle ground of self-acceptance that we can achieve if we spend some time with ourselves in preparation. We can reach that middle ground – connect with our authentic selves –  if we follow thre directions: Be Honest, Be Compassionate, Be Courageous.

Be Honest

Gently ask yourself, “What aspects of myself am I ashamed of, or feel I need to hide? This could include specific things like your weight, your education, how disorganized you are. Or it could be something more general like a feeling of unworthiness. Notice what judgments you hold against yourself as you think of these aspects. Then notice how uncomfortable or bad you feel when you bring up these judgments. When we hold harsh self-judgments, we cut ourselves off from our deepest selves, and we cause ourselves to suffer.

Be Compassionate

(from the Latin for “co-suffering”) Compassion is a virtue in which the emotional capacities for empathy and sympathy for suffering are regarded as a part of love itself.   I know this may seem counter-intuitive, but compassionate acceptance of our “flaws” not only reduces our suffering and reconnects us with the judged parts of ourselves, it also give us a better chance of modifying those flaws! Imagine how it would feel to offer yourself a few moments of gentle, loving acceptance, something like, “Ok Terry, maybe we won’t make the cover of Sports Illustrated, but I really love you and I’m sorry for all the times I put you down for your big belly. I’m going to try to be more loving and who knows, maybe we’ll even start that dance class!” Try this, and notice how you feel more relaxed both with yourself and with others.

Be Courageous

The core word in courage is “heart,” from Latin “cor.”  Once you’ve spent some compassionate time with your flaws, you can decide, with courage, with heart, what aspects of yourself you might feel comfortable including in your presentation to your audience. Maybe it would be a brief story of one of your own struggles. Maybe it would just be your own inner sense that you are ok, flaws and all. It takes courage to show up in the world “worts and all” AND it’s worth it!

Whatever choices you make, as you continue this process, you will feel more connected and comfortable, not only when making a speech, but at any time! Your audience, whether of one or of many, will be able to tell that they are spending time with the real you. And they will be much more likely to listen to what you have to say.

Coming soon – Step Two: Decide what gift you have to give.